i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize