im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
