I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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