if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
