Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
