just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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