its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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