his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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