I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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