Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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