Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
