Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
