It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm at about main and main street
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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