Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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