i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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