seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
