I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
