SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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