In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
