new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
