Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
