capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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