I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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