dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
