I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
