Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Oh god it's open bar.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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