Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
