I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
