what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
