i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
