We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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