Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
