Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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