:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just puked most of my soul out..
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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