My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
