This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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