remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
