I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize