there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
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I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
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Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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