I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
