I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
