I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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