at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
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I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
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I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize