I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
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