walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
