I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
