Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
