Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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