every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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