just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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