So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
