he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
